April 5, 2005

First I have to thank all the wonderful people who have taken the time to e-mail me about my experiences with depression. There are so many people out there that care and I'll never forget all the support and encouragement. Thank you so much.

My husband has his own computer business and some of the perks are all the computer gadgets he gets. At least one computer in every room seems to be our motto. Well, he ended up building a computer for a customer who wasn't happy with the laptop that Dell had talked him into. So he brought this laptop home for me and said how I could use it anywhere. I could even surf the internet and update my website while watching tv. (yeah, not enough mental stimulation there!) So this thing sat around for at least a month before I decided to give it a try. BIG mistake. Now I am completely addicted. I can't sit down without grabbing it and doing something on it. And alot of "something" ends up being SHOPPING! Ohhhh, I could get this glass - Wow, what a cool new tool. So anyway, now me and this laptop are inseparable.

BUT since we got our taxes back from the accountant and found out what we OWE.....Seems I need to curb the shopping. (or else buy more.....glass is a write-off, right? So maybe I wasn't buying enough???) hhhmmmmm

Oh, and it actually got up to 80 degrees yesterday! Wonderful.....but in the back of my head I'm thinking "time to start waxing my legs again" ha!

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March 31, 2005

 Well, with that said, here's a few pictures of the first breaths of spring here in the Midwest. It stormed yesterday with some pea sized hail. Now today the grass suddenly seemed to turn green!

This may look like an ugly pink lump, but it's rhubarb poking it's head above ground. I am so excited because I've been trying to grow rhubarb here for the last 4 years. This year I think I may actually get some to use!

March 26, 2005

Fessing Up. Spilling the Beads, I mean Beans. Speaking my piece. Whatever you want to call it-

Okay people. So here's the deal. Seems there's been quite abit of depression going on the in bead world lately. Depression is a terrible thing. A horrible disease that can make you feel worthless, scared, not able to eat or sleep and not able to go on with life.

I should know, I've been there. Twice now where I have needed help. It runs in my family. Both sides.

The doctor can give you some pills. There's quite a variety out there today. Some make you sleepy, some make you shaky and agitated.  Some make you forgetful and you simply don't care anymore. And some can even give you little "zaps" in your head every time you turn your eyes and a slight dizziness. Vertigo is what that is called. (The doctors act like you are nuts when you tell them about that side effect) They make your mouth dry and can make you constipated.....or give you diarrhea. All make you crave sugar, and you usually gain weight. Another wonderful side effect is they take away any (however slight to begin with) sex drive you may have had. But yes, they do make you feel better in the long run. And seriously, Thank God!

What set me off this last January? Hard to say. Let me make a list of a few things that were on my plate:

     1. Work. My "real" job. I went to part time when I went through my first bad depression. Now I felt like I was still expected to work a full time load with part time hours. And I feel I accomplished that feat pretty well. But with a new system that doesn't work and outsourcing our work to India and micro-managing - I was stressed to the max.

     2. My fathers death last April. My mother being alone for the first time in her life. My mothers health problems.

     3. Winter gloom. Everything grey and dark.

     4. Going off all of my medication because my husband didn't like me much when I was a "zombie". He doesn't put much stock in doctors. In fact he refuses to see one. EVER. (so I have that going for me....ha)

     5. My mother getting sued for taking care of her sister for 5 years in assisted care facilities after a botched open heart surgery. It's next to impossible to find competent care for an elderly person. And it was my parents constant vigil for 5 years. My mother was her sisters power of attorney so she took complete care of her......as her husband had died in the 70's and they didn't have children and her husband family didn't want anything to do with her. That is until she died. And they found out there was money left. You see, my mother is being sued for "mis-managing my aunts money" from my aunts husbands side of the family. You know, the side that's not a blood relatives. The side that didn't want or care anything about her. 

You see, my mother managed her sisters money SO POORLY by investing it and carefully following market trends and hiring and firing financial advisors - that after 5 years of assisted living care at approximately $4000.00 a month, PLUS medication on top of that, for which she had no insurance- lumped another couple thousand a month too............that there's enough money left to fight over.

My mother moved her sister in and out of 3 assisted living centers. Hired and fired nurses and doctors at the hospital while fighting a battle over her botched surgery. A battle that was never won. My parents went above and beyond to make my aunts life the best it could be in her last years. Oh, and did I mention while my parents were doing this my father battled emphazama (sp? from smoking), prostrate cancer and a malignant kidney tumor?

And then my father died 3 days before my aunt. You see, my mother lost her husband and sister within days of each other. And then got sued. We're still fighting this one. We'd rather see the lawyers get every cent than the money grubbing people who had nothing to do with my aunts care. And now my mother's heath isn't the best. I wonder why.

My point to all this. Well, I guess what it boils down to is being jealous. But yet feeling completely lucky.

Jealous because I don't have the luxury of just deciding to stop everything because I'm depressed. Jealous because I didn't get to take a trip to Egypt and pet a camel. Jealous because I have a real job and responsibilities to a family so I have to keep that real job AND keep going however bad it is. Jealous that I have to go into work and somehow talk to my boss about my depressions and what's wrong with me while my mouth is so dry I can hardly talk and I am so shaky and feeling like just dying. Or walking out BUT I CAN'T! Jealous that I don't have a wonderfully supportive husband when I have a severe depression. (Not that he's bad, but remember, he doesn't believe in doctors or pills) Jealous that I don't get to be an artist in "real life".

And then I feel bad. Petty. Depression isn't about who has it worse off. Depression is depression, no matter who you are. (But deep inside you can't help but feeling a twinge of "If I was this person or that person, I certainly wouldn't be depressed"!)

But then I have to stop and think that I do have a wonderful and healthy family. I live in America and don't have bombs going off outside my door. And there was no tsunami here that took my family and my house. I get to make beads which makes me happy. And I have met some wonderful friends along the way.

 So....that's my story and I'm sticking to it. Any for any of you that feel the need to run off and "tell on me" to "you know who". Well, sorry, I beat you to it.

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March 25, 2005

  I hope everyone had a wonderful Easter. My sister moved to a house with a pond in back and decided some ducks may be in order. So the boys got to play with 6 baby ducklings on Easter. And the ducklings got to be completely traumatized on Easter! (The rest of us think my sister has lost her mind, and the funniest thing is before we left, we saw 3 Mallards swimming on their pond!)

Spring has finally sprung. I guess it took Easter to finally bring it in. The boys are sleeping out in their clubhouse with their friends. (Clubhouses have come a LONG way.....they have a TV, video games, stereo, DVD and VHS player, carpet, couch cushions and Christmas lights! ) Anyway, my point is I saw some of my perennials coming up! I love finding all of my little plants poking up in the spring. Especially living here-my dirt is all clay. I thought moving to the country I'd have such wonderful soil, but my dirt in town was MUCH more rich and productive!

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March 25, 2005

 Aren't you proud of me Jean?

  I whipped this little baby out last night (I used cheap plastic coated wire that I have for the boys to mess around with) I just wanted to see if I could do it. Now I need to get some silver and try it "for real"!

Here's what the real thing looks like courtesy of my favorite wire worker Jean Hickock! Isn't it GAUGEOUS Darlings?!

 Not alot going on around here. Sometimes it seems like I'm going in circles. My mother is due back from Texas soon. She was actually due back last Monday but some health problems have held things up. But before we knew her trip back was cancelled I thought I'd go get her a few groceries and turn her heat back on at her condo.

In the back of my head I knew that the refrigerator was off. And I'm trying not to think that this thing has been unplugged, but maybe has some magic switch (a magic on/off switch that I've never-ever known in my 42 years here on planet earth that a refrigerator has!) So I just put it out of my head.

So errands. My life is never ending errands. So I drink my morning coffee and make a couple stops and I'm thinking (in the back of my head again - and this "back of my head" thinking is NEVER EVER A GOOD THING!) that... Hhhhmmm, I just might have to go "pottie" soon. Never mind, I'll put it off till I get to the condo. So off to the grocery store across the river (in Iowa) I live in Illinois. Mom lives in Iowa. Crossing the bridges to get to the other side is never a favorite thing to do for a Quad City-an.

SO - get the groceries. Get to the condo. Try to make it in one trip. The bag with the frozen goods breaks so I leave a trail of frozen entrees down the hall. Finally get everything inside and stare down this fridge I have to deal with. Look inside to see if I just need to adjust the dials to COLD. Nope. Look harder inside to see if maybe there actually is an on/off switch somewhere. Nope. Duh. Maybe it's a circuit breaker....so I try the kitchen lights. Damn, they work. The only thing left is to pull the fridge out from the cupboards and plug it back in, right? Right. So I start dragging this thing out. Not an easy task. Only to get it 1/2 way out and it hits the spice rack that is screwed into the wall.............Okay, so time for a potty break. But wait....

The bathrooms have been winterized! There is antifreeze in the toilets. I....have.....to.....hold....it.....Not having a good day here.......

Back to the fridge. Where are the screwdrivers. After a few futile attempts looking in drawers I use a butter knife. Spices are falling out the back side of this wire thing...but I get if off the wall. Slide the fridge the rest of the way out only to discover that.....

IT'S PLUGGED IN! Yes people. The damn thing is certainly plugged right into the wall. So I go to the fuse box and take a look. Yes, the refrigerator has it very own dedicated circuit. Who would have thought.

So not the best day there.....and then Mom's trip is postponed. So I was over again today to clean out the perishable foods from the fridge. But I made sure I didn't have to potty before hand and I sure as heck left that darn refrigerator running!

Paying attention.......or is it just a loan?

 March 20, 2005

My youngest had his birthday party today. Cosmic Bowling. Black lights, strobe lights, blaring music, glowing bowling balls, pizza, WAY TOO MUCH Mountain Dew and cake. Those 10 yr old boys were wired for sound! Dancing around like a bunch of - well, spastic 10 year old boys. (Luckily we have it on video for future blackmail....)

Max's digestion seems to be back to normal. THANK GOD! Since that little stink dog sleeps with me ~

The rest of the weekend was spent making beads. Here's a preview of upcoming Ebay attractions. Sorry, I just haven't had time for specials here on my site. Maybe next weekend - HOPE next weekend!

For you ebay-er's, here's the bracelet I was referring to:

March 16, 2005

 So by now everyone probably knows about my little Yorkie, Max. His nickname is "Stink". For no particular reason really, just sounded kind of cute. Well, let me clarify....for no particular reason UNTIL NOW!

You see, I decided to buy a different brand of dog food that was on sale. Not that we normally get Max the real expensive stuff. I just decided to be really cheap and save a dime.

Well, my husband informs me that you can't change a dogs food all at once like that. Now, I grew up on a farm and know quite abit about animals and Maxie has always had a solid constitution. Never-ever a digestive problem for this dog and I know we have changed his food before....We even hesitate to give him cheese or banana snacks because he's so...."solid" if you know what I mean.

But of course my husbands prediction comes true and I wake up to find a real mess in the bedroom. Y E C H !!

So I have changed his food back to his little Kibbles and Bits Homestyle. His "constitution" seems better. At least I haven't had to clean up any more messes.

BUT OH MY GOD, THE GAS THIS POOR DOG HAS!!!!!!!!! 

 I would swear my sweet Max has turned into a skunk. That's exactly what he smells like!

Moral of this story.....Be careful when you nickname your dog. It just may come true.

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March 14, 2005

 Here are the afore mentioned drums...and the drummer himself. Making a "drummer face" - as opposed to a "guitar face" which is completely different!

I'm wondering how long it will be before we have a huge skull on the front of the kick drum??

So my husband bought one of those little exercise trampolines. He thinks he needs some exercise in his life and that could be said about me too.

I used to have one of those little trampolines - back in the 80's I think. I probably wore leg warmers and cut up sweat shirts when I used it. I probably didn't need the exercise back then either. It would have been more of a fashion thing - you know, a reason to buy those cute little leotards.

So, if I WOULD get on one of these things today, I'd be afraid I'd bottom out! In more ways than one!~ It would be pretty embarrassing if I went to jump and hit the floor.....and if I did manage to bounce - well, I've had a couple kids that were pretty rough on my bladder. I'd probably have to go to the store and purchase some depends! Good Lord, I sound like I'm about 80 years old!

March 11, 2005

I found a GREY EYE-BROW HAIR the other day. Okay, so I'm 42 now, have a few grey hairs on my head....But what the heck's up with that?!

It was my youngest's 10th birthday yesterday. We bought him a set of drums. What was that you said? Are we nuts? Why yes, I do believe we are........

March 8, 2005

I've been whitening my teeth with one of those professional kits you get from the dentist. I've had this plastic impression plate deal for a few years now, but never really used it because the whitening paste made you SPIT all the time..... (I just don't know how those "tobacky chawin' folks stand it! HA)

So....I just had my teeth cleaned last week and now they have a new gel product I'm trying out. (Not as much spitting involved with this - thank God!) But the sensitivity! It feels like I have bitten into an ice cream bar with my teeth and I can't "un-bite" !!!!

Anyway - by this summer my teeth should be about the same shade as my mid-western snow white ass, er, I mean BODY. So I'll be dazzling all the guys this summer girls! Watch out Brad Pitt. snort........

March 7, 2005

Okay - Basketball is over for the season. I was so busy last weekend running around I didn't get a chance to make ONE bead! GASP! But my youngests team won the league championship. They had a great team and GREAT coach. I think a good coach makes ALL the difference. Every single kid contributed, not just a couple really good players like you often see.

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I'm a little depressed. Not because I didn't get to make beads, but because I had to give up my cute little beading room. I had just fixed up our 'junk room' in the basement maybe 6 months ago. Cleaned, painted, carpeted, curtained (is that a word?) and had a nice beading room.

 Well, with my husbands computer business growing ALL OVER the house, something had to be done. The "something" was to give up my room.

So here's a few before and after shots just for prosperity...

nice beading room:

  I know it looks a little messy....but my dears, it was FULL of beads, beautiful beads! (notice the computer monitors already encroaching on my space in the lower left hand corner....

And now-

Ugly computer room:

 Isn't it lovely...

Just what I always wanted. A wall of computers..

And get this.......we have another ENTIRE room full of his computers. And then we have a diagnostic desk in an upstairs hallway AND a hallway downstairs that you can't even walk through that's full of computer cases.....

There are four - YES 4 computers in the kids room (you know, for when their friends come over) and another computer in the dining room so we can keep an eye on them when they are on the internet. And then I have my computer in the kitchen.....AND 2 laptops in the living room - you know, for surfing the internet and cable channels at the same time...

See what happens when your husband decides to get into computers? Oh yeah, and you also loose your really nice mini van and are stuck with the tiny Honda!

AND - AND - AND

The lower level of our house.......It was complete 70's mess when we moved in....So I finally painted and tiled and carpeted and now.......it's STILL the kids domain. And my youngests 10th birthday is this Thursday.....What I'm getting at is I'm going to loose even MORE house space after his birthday....you'll have to wait and see what he gets.

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March 3, 2005

I know I've been quiet this week, but it's been a busy one. Remember my great wall of china that I started painting WAY back when....I had it half finished. The BOTTOM half. The plan was to hire a painter to do the top. Well, after ignoring the situation for all this time, I decided to save the money and go for it myself. I used my husbands HUGE gutter cleaning ladder. I couldn't even move this thing myself. He had to be on 'stand-by' to move the ladder for me.

It's finished. I didn't break my neck. My fibromyalgia wasn't kind to me for the next few days, but that sucker is DONE! FINI! NEVER ever to be painted by me again. (of course I still have trim to finish.....damn!)

And then my youngest has had basketball games and skills competitions and both boys have been skiing. And now this last part of the week we all have dentist appointments. And them more basketball.....etc. I don't know when I'm going to have time to make beads! GASP!